


Personnel Files

by Brony4Ever1992



Category: Strike Witches
Genre: Humor, Multi, Sexual Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-27
Updated: 2012-02-27
Packaged: 2017-10-31 19:33:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/347619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brony4Ever1992/pseuds/Brony4Ever1992
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My first Strike Witches fanfic. The witches find personnel files on them and decide to make some changes. One shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Personnel Files

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is my first attempt at a fanfic for Strike Witches so bear with me please. It is a one shot and I hope you find humor in this. I have nothing against any characters in Strike Witches and I'm just writing this for comedic effect. This takes place during season 1 after between episode 6 and 8 so all ranks will go according. Sorry if this is slow and long.

Thanks to my pre-reader Makuhari-Fan01.

Disclaimer: I don't own Strike Witches it is the property of Gonzo

In an empty hall of the Strike Witches base on the English Channel walked two lone witches, Flight Lieutenant Shirley Yeager and her young companion Pilot Officer Francesca Lucchini. Commander Minna and Major Sakamoto had left to meet with the generals in charge of the 501st Joint Fighter Wing thus leaving the next ranking officer in charge. That person was Gertrude Barkhorn. True to her nature, she tried to make sure the girls maintain a high level of discipline by keeping them busy with working or training exercises.

When they saw their first chance both Shirley and Lucchini slipped away.

"God, Barkhorn can be a real tight ass at times." said the busty redheaded Liberion.

"Yeah, besides I looking for some rest and a chance to see if Miyafuji grew any in her chest." agreed the young Romagiana.

"Oh, mine aren't good enough anymore?" said Shirley trying to sound hurt.

"Yours are still my favorite Shirley!" replied Lucchini grabbing while reaching out for Shirley's breasts. As the Liberion girl laughed at attention, both noticed a familiar door slightly ajar.

"That's Minna's office isn't it?" asked Lucchini

"Yeah, let's check it out." replied Shirley and with that the two went to the office only to find it empty. However the two did see something odd, a letter on Minna's desk.

"That's strange." commented Shirley who sat at Minna's desk picked up the unsealed envelope. Curiosity got the better of her and she removed the letter, and was surprised at the content.

"It's a personnel file on all of us, Minna must have forgotten it." stated a surprised Shirley who then had a mischievous grin slide across her face. "Let's she what she said about us.

After looking through the letter Shirley found herself: "Flight Lieutenant Charlotte E. Yeager originally a member of the Liberion Army 363rd fighter wing. Age 16. Charlotte or Shirley as she is known is like all witches very capable. She is a proud gear head and speed freak who risked her own safety to break the sound barrier. She works well with Pilot Officer Lucchini as the two are best friends."

"Well this is boring." said Shirley who decided to continue anyway.

"Shirley seems to pervert people around her and has an obsession with breasts. I'm surprised she hasn't held an orgy that I know of."

"What the hell! She makes me sound like a slut!" exploded the Liberion witch who then though to herself "An orgy isn't a bad idea.".

"Face it Shirley you checked the breasts on ever witch as soon as they arrived." commented Lucchini.

"Hey, I have no problem with the naked form. I'm just like the Ancient Greeks." Lucchini clearly didn't believe her.

"Well let's see what she said about you." replied Shirley who quickly found Lucchini below hers.

"Pilot Officer Francesca Lucchini former member of the Sovrana Aeronautica Romagiana 4th Air Forces. Age 12. Francesca is a natural witch a talent and nature for flying and veteran skills against the Neuroi. However, Francesca is often childish, self-indulged and acts at times a spoiled brat."

"What! How could Minna be so mean! That's not fair!" pouted Lucchini

Once again Shirley had a mischievous grin slid across her face as she came up with a plan. She opened up the top drawer finding the pen Minna used to write the letter.

"We're going to do some creative editing." she said and Lucchini who had just caught on returned the grin on Shirley's face.

Shirley took the letter and crossing out what they saw as "undesirable" she began to edit.

"Shirley Yeager is an excellent solider who is clearly essential in any battle." began writing said witch who was being truthful so far but then "Shirley has the most impressive bust of any witch and I envy her majestic chest everyday."

"I don't think Minna would say that Shirley." chimed in Lucchini who was now sitting on the side of the desk kicking out her legs.

"Do you want me to change yours or not?" asked the Liberion to which Lucchini nodded silently.

"Lucchini is often hard working, has a great taste in women and deserves a promotion to the rank of Flight Lieutenant." wrote Shirley

"So I'd be skipping over Flying officer and sergeant then? Yippee!" was the only response of the youngest witch

"That's right you'll have rank over that uptight four-eyes, Perrine." said Shirley causing both girls to start laughing out loud.

"There you are." came a new voice from doorway, both Shirley and Lucchini looked over to see Yoshika and Lynne in the door causing both Shirley and Lucchini to be relieved it wasn't Barkhorn.

"What are you doing?" this question was from Lynne and the redhead and her young companion knew by both their tones these two were more curious then anything.

"I could ask you the same thing." stated Shirley not wanting to give too much away because she knew the trouble she could get in.

"Captain Barkhorn sent us because she wanted to know where you two went." replied Miyafuji calmly.

"Figures." grunted Shirley

"What's that?" asked Lynne now seeing the paper in Shirley's hand.

Before Shirley could answer Lucchini spilled the beans "It's an important letter Minna wrote about us. We're changing things we don't like." with a grin on her face.

"Why did you do that? You can get in real trouble for this!" exclaimed a worried Yoshika

"Don't worry." replied Shirley 'We'll read yours."

Before either could reply Shirley began

"Sergeant Yoshika Miyafuji. Age 15. A native of Fuso like Major Sakamoto, Miyafuji is the only witch not to belong to another military outfit before joining the 501st. However she does have a connection has her father Dr. Miyafuji invented the striker unit. Miyafuji struggled at first but has improved and is showing real promise."

"Wow that's so nice of Minna!" said a jubilant Yoshika causing Shirley to roll her eyes and then looked back down finding what she wanted.

"However." began Shirley "Sergeant Miyafuji is very naive and in battle is reluctant to fire which very well could get someone killed. She also has a fascination with the breasts of the other witches"

"Why would she say that?" said Miyafuji hurt Minna could be so harsh.

"Let's read Lynne's!" exclaimed Lucchini and Shirley obliged.

"Sergeant Lynnette Bishop originally a member of the Britannian Air Force 610th fighter squadron. Age 15. Lynne is the sharpshooter of the 501st and this skill makes her very useful when targeting Neuroi cores. Her sister Wilma also serves against the Neuroi. Lynne is often clumsy, and though she tries her best sometimes can be counter productive but never against the Neuroi."

By this point bit Yoshika and Lynne were feeling down so Shirley offered to help.

"Don't worry I'm make things right." she said and began to re-write their profiles.

"Sergeant Miyafuji has great compassion for life and would never kill anyone sticking to her morals."

Then to Lynne; "Sergeant Bishop is a hard worker who never gives help and is always there to help."

"What are you doing in the Commander's office?" the four witches looked to see Perrine in the doorway, arms folded and giving them all a death glare.

"Perrine we-" began Miyafuji before she was cut off

"Save it raccoon dog! You're gonna need it for your court martial but then at least the unit will be rid of dead weight." Perrine countered

Lynne and Yoshika looked scared and Lucchini frowned angrily but Shirley kept her smile. "This" said the Liberion "Is a personnel file written by Minna and we were making some changes."

"What!" exclaimed the bespectacled girl who then smiled "You can get locked up for life for this." but Shirley read hers anyway.

"Flying Officer Perrine H. Clostermann originally belonging to the Forces Aériennes Galliaises Libres. Age 15. Flying Officer Clostermann is the proper and well to officer from the occupied Gallia who is clearly scarred because of the fall of her homeland to the Neuroi. Flying officer Clostermann is a talented soldier who can hold her own in battle. Because of her wealthy upbringing she thinks she is better than her peers and looks down on almost everyone. I say almost because it seems Flying officer Clostermann has a fascination for Major Sakamoto. Perrine stalks Mio all the time from training to bathing and I'm surprised she hasn't try to seduce Mio or just jump her in a dark closet. This is why she doesn't like Sergeant Miyafuji. I think Perrine is afraid she'll find Yoshika and Mio in bed together."

Yoshika immediately became embarrassed and tried to hid an increasingly red face in her shirt while a dumbfounded Lynne stared at her. While Shirley and Lucchini laughed their heads off Perrine walked over and grabbed the letter and pen making several changes before slamming them back on the desk, Shirley picked up the letter and read the changes Perrine made out loud.

"Because of her wealthy upbringing she knows she's better than her peers. The esteemed Perrine has the utmost respect for Major Sakamoto who should be in charge of the 501st with Perrine serving as her second in command.

Shirley retorted "Keep dreaming you stuck up snob."

"Hey why are you guys in here?" the voice that kept Perrine from replying to Shirley was that of Eila who as to be expected was with Sanya.

"These four hooligans were altering a personnel file Minna wrote." stated Perrine with pure contempt in her voice.

"You made changes too!" shot back Lucchini while Perrine ignored her.

"Are we included?" yawned a sleepy Sanya

After looking Shirley found that Eila and Sanya were the last two witches listed.

"Here you are." said Shirley who then asked "Did Barkhorn send you?"

"Yeah." replied Eila "Can you read the profile on Sanya?"

"Don't you want to here your own profile, Eila?" asked Yoshika who was peeking out from her from under her shirt.

"Not really." replied Eila who listened closely as Shirley read.

"Pilot Officer Sanya V. Litvyak originally belonging to the Imperial regiment 586th Flight regiment of the Orussian Empire. Age 14. Quiet as a ghost Pilot officer Litvyak is the only member of the 501st night patrol and occasionally fights in the daytime. Sanya has the ability to read radio frequencies and is key to most special assignment that appear. Sanya has a close personal relationship with Eila."

"Perfect." proclaimed Eila who was ready to take Sanya and leave when Shirley read her profile

"Pilot Officer Eila Iimataar Juutilainen originally belonging to the Sumous Air Force 24th unit. Somewhat mischievous, Eila has is never the less a valuable soldier. A tarot card reader, Eila has the ability to see into the future which is great help in battle as is her relationship with Sanya helps them work perfectly as a team. It is clear the relationship between the two might be more as Eila is obviously in love with Sanya. I think Sanya might feel the same and Eila should just tell Eila how she feels because she is not fooling anyone with friend act she's putting on."

Shirley and Lucchini began to laugh hard while the rest of the witches felt fidgeted uncomfortably now especially Eila who couldn't even face Sanya. Red in the face Eila pulled the letter away from Shirley and removed the last two sentences before slamming both letter and pen back down on the desk in front of Shirley.

'What's so funny guys?" everyone turned to see Erica in the doorway now.

"Let me guess." Shirley began still laughing "Barkhorn sent you?"

"Yeah." Erica smile "Trude is pissed everyone is gone and she sent me to find you, what's so funny?"

Shirley quickly caught Erica up to speed and soon the blonde Karlsländ soldier was joining in the laughter with the the others.

"That's hilarious." said the wonder ace of the Luftwaffe. "I always pictured Eila for a lesbian."

"Eila, what's a lesbian?" asked Sanya so innocently causing Eila to almost faint and another round of laughter to erupt.

"I knew you were a great 'team' just like Yoshika and Lynne who crashed into the ocean and all 'wet' after they defeated that Neuroi together." said Hartmann with the sexual innuendo in her statement.

"Personally I wouldn't mind crashing into a large body of vodka." stated Shirley causing all but Sanya to give her a strange look.

"Vodka is Russian for water." stated the busty redhead who then looked to Sanya who simply nodded in agreement with her.

"Wait."said Lynne "You said Russian but don't you mean Orussian?"

"You know what I mean." Shirley responded with a smile on her face

"Read my profile!" Erica asked excitedly

"Okay." said Shirley who began to read.

"Flight Lieutenant Erica Hartmann originally belonging to the Luftwaffe and one of two comrades of mine from before the 501st was established. Age 16. The "wonder ace" of Karlsländ, Erica is natural in battle and a fine soldier. However outside of combat she is lazy and a slob with a shaky discipline record to boot."

"That's me alright!" cheered Hartmann who seemed happy about her less then desirable traits outside of the battlefield.

"Here you all are!" the mood in the room died has soon as those words spoken because they belonged

to one Gertrude Barkhorn.

"Hi Trude, were looking at and changing a letter Minna wrote about us." Erica said in the happiest manner possible.

"What! You know how much trouble you're all in right?" asked Trude, which caused Lucchini to sing:

"It's time to face the day. Time to make it snappy. But you know first...you gotta make it outta bed. Hello Mr. Sunshine, today you're gonna be mine. Make him pinky swear; there's only sunny skies ahead. Take on the day with the one-two punch."

"Enough!" interrupted Barkhorn who snatched the letter away from Shirley.

"Schiest! Do you know what you did? Mein Gott in himmel this is going to ruin the entire battalion! You really screwed up this time I mean what were you thinking verdammt?" screamed Barkhorn who had unknowingly reverted to her native tongue.

Barkhorn however couldn't resist and looking down saw her profile and began to read it aloud. " Captain Gertrude Barkhorn the other comrade of mine from the Luftwaffe. Age 18. An excellent soldier Trude always supports her comrades even if not always seen. She has great stamina and a high soot down number. Though great in combat, Barkhorn can be excessively zealous at times when off battle and she needs to learn to relax."

Barkhorn ripped the pen out of Shirley's hand and furiously scratched out the last sentence. Only after she realize what she had done. "My God, I've altered official documentation. I've ruined my career! I'm a disgrace to my country! I can never go home! I'm to travel the world alone like a master less Fuso samurai! My life is over! All over!"

"Relax Trude." said Erica trying to calm down her friend

"Shirley." began Barkhorn "Put the pen and letter back the way you found them." Shirley quickly did as she was told. "Okay, we're going to leave and pretend this never happened." The girls followed suit and left making sure everything was in place agreeing to never mention this.

 

The next day...

The girls were in formation as Minna and Sakamoto observed them. When they were finally dismissed Minna stopped them "Did you girls think I wouldn't review the letter before I got back and see all the re-writes you made when I got back?"

The rest of the girls sweat dropped as Minna continued "So how did it begin?" followed by Perrine confessing to what happened.

"So everyone was involved? Minna said with a smile "I knew Shirley was from her handwriting but everyone. Well I liked your edits except I'm not jealous of your bust Shirley, Lucchini will not get promoted to Flight Lieutenant and sorry Perrine but I'm not going anywhere and Sakamoto will remain second in command but other then that I kept the changes just in my hand writing."

"So were not in trouble?" asked Lucchini

"No, you will be punished alright." answered Minna with a smile "Mio has come up with the punishment already."

The girls all gulped. "That's right." said the Fuso Major "50 laps for the next week." causing the girls to groan as the began their punishment.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: There we go. This is not the best thing I've ever done so if you want better check out my other works and well my first story for series might not be great they get better. I'm not a big Yoshika fan because he is so naive and unwilling to kill, as a soldier she should kill or not be in the army. Shirley's line "Vodka is Russian for water" is a reference to Rin- Daughters of Mnemosyne, a six-part anime about hard boiled and hard drinking P.I. Rin Asogi and her assistant Mimi both of who are immortal. That line is from Mimi who is voiced by Jamie Marchi who also voices Shirley Yeager. The series also feature the voices of Luci Christian (Erica Hartmann) as Mishio and Monica Rial (Chris Barkhorn) as Sayara. The song Francesca was singing was "The 356-step march" by Kiyoko Suizenji and was featured in the Rebuild of Evangelion 2.22 being sung early on by new character Mari Illustrious Makinami who is voiced by Trina Nishimura who also voices Francesca Lucchini and featured throughout the Rebuild is Caitlin Glass who is the voice of Eila as Maya Ibuki.
> 
> It was also Evangelion where I got the German that Trude was speaking.
> 
> Translation
> 
> Schiest – shit
> 
> Thanks for reading and please review. 
> 
> Mein Gott in himmel -My God in Heaven
> 
> verdammt- Goddammit


End file.
